I am sure reading the title of this makes you either roll your eyes, or maybe you understand. I have been told that I am “hypersensitive” or that “I am thinking too much” about it. Please note the ones who tell me that, have no idea what it feels like to be a black female in America, or an individual who is treated less than others because of their race. You know, I might even have my dark-skinned sisters say I still don’t understand because I am “light-skinned.” Well in my world, I do. I will do a separate blog on that! PROMISE!
Okay, so back to my paranoia…I have it. I don’t know if it can be diagnosed as something long-term, but it is very alive in my brain membranes. I will go to a bar or restaurant with some friends and before we get there I ask, “do brown people go there?” It sounds bad, but it just makes me feel more comfortable knowing that there is diversity in the establishment. I have been to multiple places here, and I have received some nasty looks, and even whispers. It amazes me! I then look around, and realize I am the “only me”. (Sad face) You know, I don’t know what they are saying, but due to my actual experiences with racial biases, I am constantly paranoid. I live in the south, and it isn’t as diverse to my liking. When I visit my brother in Virginia, and we go the D.C. area, I don’t feel the same. The metropolitan area is so full of color, people, race, and differences. I love it! I remember when I changed duty stations to South Carolina, and it was when all the issues were going on with the confederate flag coming down, shootings, and all. I was so scared to come, and even considered requesting to leave early. Well it ended up not being too bad…for a while. Well time has passed, and for some reason I am paranoid. I am not going to lie, I think that most white people that look at me weird, hate me because of my color. So yes, I have racial paranoia, and I don’t know how to get rid of it. When I see the confederate flag it makes my skin bump up, and I get extremely uncomfortable. The media and experiences I have had have made the paranoia real! Now don’t get it twisted…I have met some individuals who liked and displayed the confederate flag, and treated me like a normal human. But the fear hits me when I see it. I just never know. I call this racial paranoia, because I live in a world where I think automatically, the unwelcoming behavior is because of my race.
Any of you experience the same thing?