Night Sweats

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There is something lovely about sleep, and only if you can achieve good sleep. I wonder how one master’s the art of sleep. My cat is sleeping at the bottom corner of my bed and is laid out so comfortably. I know he has no worries, anxieties, or obligations, while I am worrying and thinking about what happens next.

Anyways, I don’t sleep well. I am sure with the millions of people in the world, there are a lot suffering with sleep issues. Why is it that the mind works so hard at night? I try to shut it down, but it won’t. I am in need of some tips! Then, lately when I fall asleep for a little while, I wake up in a puddle of sweat. I cannot explain that phenomenon! I mean, I can’t complain because maybe I am working out in my dreams and I know I have been slacking in my awaken state in making fitness a priority. Sleepless nights and night sweats…oh lovely nights.

Oh sweet rest

I wish I could conquer

To every sunset

I can eternally attest

The puddle of energy beneath my skin

I wake up again and again

Relinquish my fears

Grasp my mold

Sleep take over

Close my mind

Allow my being to repose

 

What keeps you awake at night?

Coffee Shop

pexels-photo-867470.jpegI finally got out of the house today and decided to go somewhere else to grab coffee and do homework. I decided to drive about 40 minutes to have a change of scene and well, I am happy I did. You never know the different people you can meet and today I met two different individuals. Well, what had happened was…I was semi listening to their conversation, as the word anthropology kept being dropped. Hey, it is always nice to meet other people who have similar interests. Well, I ended up expressing my love for anthropology as a current student with one of them who was also a student of Anthropology. Nutella is studying his Master’s in Anthropology and his friend French was a drop out who studied physics. I did wonder how these two individuals met and how they remained so inclined with each other. Sometimes friendship is deeper than the achievements that we conquer. I know that both are conquering their own worlds. French did have some awesome jeans, which also was another reason I spoke to them! The conversation ended with talking about french fries…these are my kind of homies. Lol! It is always nice to meet different people with different journey’s. I don’t know why I decided to share this with you, but this made my day. Sometimes you need to leave the area of your comfort zone to meet other people. You never know what they will share with you and just maybe, it is something you need. Happy Saturday!

 

Faith and Hard Work

There are days I sit and wonder why I have to work so hard to make it to an inch and sometimes nowhere. Then being around other people, I just think like damn, you didn’t have to try hard to get where you are. While their life is going so easy, I wonder why mine isn’t. I think we are all guilty of that thought. Now, a lot of times it is because someone has helped them along the way and got them in a good place, I ain’t mad at ya. They have had the support and other necessary items. But, I wonder why I always end up having to devote so much time and effort to be even a considerable factor. It is hard when you are around others who have their shit together, as you sit back and just wonder why yours isn’t. Now, I am not talking about the ones who don’t have their shit together because they haven’t put any effort towards getting their shit together, but I am talking about the ones who are working hard for their own; taking shitty jobs, dealing with shitty people with a smile, and working harder than the next to be recognized that their existence is real and that they deserve an opportunity.

I believe in hard work and that has been something I live by. No matter what I am doing, even when I was unemployed, I applied to at least twelve jobs a week, constantly updating my resume, and continuing my education. The real world is hard, and if you don’t have someone carrying you, you better have the faith and work ethic in all you do to make it. In the end, I want to be successful, I want to not live the life I did growing up; watching my parents struggle with providing necessities to the five of us. Look, to all of you out there that understands what it is to work hard, grind, and hustle…I applaud you. I am sorry it isn’t easy, and if I won the lottery I would try to help make your days a little easier. I say a little, because you must do what you must do to move forward. Today, all I have to give are words, words of encouragement. Don’t give up! Make someone of yourself! Work hard! Believe and allow your positive thoughts, dreams, and goals carry you with the confidence in your god. Faith without action is nothing, you can work all day, just don’t forget the faith.

Monday

I woke up today with the thought that today will be a good day. I did my usual morning chores of taking care of my puppy and getting ready to leave the house. Funny thing actually…After opening the front door to let Raiden out, two of his chew items showed up on the front steps. I have no idea where they popped up from but that chewed up, dirty, empty water bottle and pink and red chew rope showed up. Umm…I hope that my neighbor didn’t drop it off as some sort of warning. I looked all over the yard and woods the past few days. OWELL!! Lets just hope Raiden’s Mortal Kombat skills helped him retrieve them.

So, today after dropping off a package to the mailbox, I did my daily YELP stalk of restaurants. It provides a sense of comfort and contentment looking at the food. So, I happened to find a bakery. Okay, I have walked the streets of this little historic town and never saw it. I am trying to do better with supporting local businesses versus the larger establishments. So, I went to the little bakery and was so ecstatic by the dainty and simple place. I ordered a 12 oz, and two pastries. Can you can guess which pastries I ordered…yes, a croissant was one. But, now I am typing and sipping Starbucks…lol just so I can use the internet. I just can’t stay home every day and not get a change of scene. I am not going to lie this music is sharp to my ears. I need to go get my headphones. Hold up, shorts season already? Why yes! We are in lovely SC, where the weather can only hold its warm breath for a little while. Get it girl, wear them for me. Lol…this lady is probably thinking, “why is she looking at me?”

Oh yay! I just looked at my Starbucks rewards center, and I have two rewards. Free food and coffee sounds wonderful! Hmm…what will I get? Of course, it will be one of the most expensive things they have to offer. After all, I earned it. Lol Have a great day!

 

Identity

Good evening, and happy Saturday! I hope you all are enjoying your weekend and hopefully you’ve been able to get some rest and things done that you have not been able to do during the week. Its been a rainy and muggy day. I did catch up on some Netflix episodes and puppy cuddles.

So, tonight’s post will be a poem. A poem about identity and how people cannot see beyond the eye; as they choose not to. For all of you no matter what background, color, stature you come from, tell your daughters and sons that they are intelligent, beautiful creations of God, full of positivity, and the power to bring light to this world. You must start while they are young, so they are able to understand their worth before society takes it away. By instilling this positivity, you are building your children to be great and to not doubt their uniqueness. I wish it wasn’t too late to tell the ones struggling with their image, because though I can add some positive affirmations to their lives, I cannot remove what has been programmed in their mind. I am living this each day. ~Enjoy~

I do not bleed my hair

I do not bleed my skin

For my color bleeds into the eyes of the one who hates

You do not see me as a human

You see me as other

You see my color

My color has a tone that accepts the sun, that rises and sets

But your mind only sees what darkness lets

For who is truly black?

Black is your soul that bleeds

Black is the color you see

Your eyes are closed because you do not see me

Beauty has left my soul

As I grow old, I will never know

Why my identity has been the fate of me

It has deleted my sanity

A believing in my entity

That no matter what color I bleed

They will only see

The color of me

The Door

pexels-photo-277552.jpegGood morning! I have been up since 0520 preparing for the job search fun. It will be another busy day looking for jobs and not falling hard into the cycle of a lack of faith.

Recently, I got out of the U.S. Army, serving over 9 years. I was a Human Resources Specialist and have been working hard to keep my resume updated and applying for multiple jobs. My constant feelings of failure haunt me because with the time I learned to be a HR professional, it has not opened a door. For the last five years it has been a rollercoaster, which led me to get out of the Army. I now struggle to find my identity and worth because as you leave the service you realize that you were just a number. I mean that is cool, replace me with a new enlistee and I wish them the best, but what do you do next?? The transition has been rough and unfortunately I now understand the depression associated with trying to live a new life and being able to adapt. I have lost my identity as a Soldier and now I have no job. Some may say, “you need to relook what makes you happy”, though I can always reassess what makes me internally happy, I know that my professional life is important. I do have to pay bills and have some security! I learned very young not to depend on someone else; seeing my mother cry because of my father throwing in her face her financial burdens instead of helping her. It’s rough out here in the world. It becomes overwhelming and sometimes the idea of not waking up sounds serene. I am not going to sugarcoat it! But, I don’t want you to give up. These trials eventually make us stronger and though you may not see it now, I may not see it now…one day we will. I got told last night I have a high tolerance for bullshit. LOL…Yeah, I do, and you know a lot of us do. Dealing with the constant agonies and petty affairs of our society can lead one to have a high tolerance for pain.

All in all, I just want to say, keep pushing, keep dreaming, keep believing that a door will open. Not just any door, but the door to fulfill you, the door to heal you, the door to unbind you, the door to restore your vision, the door to give you hope, the door to help you realize you have a purpose! I hope your day is full of love and opportunity! The prayer has been sent for you! Now go tackle your day like the Eagles did Sunday.

 

Listen (A little humor with seriousness)

pexels-photo-561870.jpegBelow is a list of my biggest listeners. I usually don’t have anyone to talk to when I need to mind release in the timeframe of that thought. So, when I don’t have anyone to listen, I choose one of these:

God.  You know they say he is always there! Go to your quiet place and close your eyes and talk to him. Now you may not hear an answer, but it can make you feel better. I truly believe if you listen to your internal ears… you might hear his voice.

Pets.  I talk to my cat all the time. You know, he even knows when I have had a bad day, and I don’t even have to say anything. He crawls up on my lap and looks into my eyes. As the tears fall, he begins to purr. I don’t know about you, but we have exchanged conversation through body language and I feel a little better.

Your angry song.  Look, I am non-confrontational (unless the liquid courage is heavily consumed). Yesterday I tried this. I turned up my music loud in my car and changed the lyrics to what I was mad at and sung it out loud. It was like having a conversation with Ludacris, but he couldn’t hear me…it was all good.

Write.  Yeah, that’s why I have a blog. You get the point.

Any surface.  The wall, pillow, candy bar, etc. Once you say what you have to say, just laugh it off. A couple of weeks from now, you won’t even remember.

Thanks for listening…

 

 

Human + Money = Humney

Okay, I get it! Having money, being famous, etc. is great. To have such talents or careers that provide you whatever your heart desires is a dream come true to many. I won’t lie, I play Mega Millions and Powerball hoping to win big money to live better. I mean, what one owns validates their importance in a society right? Money may provide us all the material things that we could ask for, but guess what, we all are still homo sapiens! I know, it may be hard to swallow. The rich don’t even poop…it just vanishes at the thought of releasing waste.

I don’t want this to come off as I am hating or envying what they have, because yes, having money allows you to live a more comfortable life. But as people try to fulfill their lives with the lives of the rich and famous, they then are wasting theirs. Okay, follow them, like their posts, buy their brands, shoot vote for them to be our President. But when you become so wrapped into their lives, you lose track of yours.

We are all guilty, unless you have never had contact with media. I remember being in high school, my parents couldn’t afford giving us reduced lunch money half of the time, so, no, I didn’t have nice clothes unless they were hand-me-downs. I then fought with my sister to get the better items of the bags donated by church friends. It wasn’t the fact that they were going to cover my body parts, it was the fact that I could have something name brand, to then be accepted into the popular group aka being validated by my society as someone important, by what I had. My last class; Anthropological Theory, stated that, the mindset of what you had was who you were started in the 1940’s during the Fordism era in America. Yes, I am sure the idea began long before that, I mean all the fads that existed, from being larger in size, to be being pale colored, represented your level of wealth. We can’t hide from it, that is a fact. While you may not be rich, we all still have one common reality; we’re human.

Does money make the human, or does human make the money?

Without each other, they still exist as their original state; human as a human, and money as money.

“He that dies pays all debts.” – William Shakespeare (The Tempest)

 

I’m watching…

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You know I love when people say, “I wish I was a fly on the wall”, suggesting they wish they could be there to see some epic views. But, I realized I am not trying to be smashed by a rolled-up magazine. Instead I say, “I wish I was a ladybug on the wall”, no one wants to kill a ladybug.

 

Enough

It is easy to say, “you’re enough”

When you have had enough

Been beautiful enough

Been loved enough

Given the opportunity enough

Motivated enough

Fought for enough

Supported enough

So, no, I am not enough

 

 

Poetry Days